A Woman Like You

I am a victim of domestic abuse. Unlike many other women, I managed to escape. It was a child's stark honesty that woke me up. My five-year-old son said, "Daddy is bad because he hurts you." With those words echoing in my head, I knew I had to leave - for his sake.

During the weeks after my sudden move, a friend worked on scanning books about abuse and domestic violence for me to read. She wanted to help me understand what I had been through and the difficulties that were still to come. She knew I was trying to cope and thought the books might help.

There was one book in particular that my friend thought would be good for me. That book was A Woman Like You by Vera Anderson.

"You MUST read this book," my friend told me. "It is amazing. I can't believe what these women have been through, and they still look so normal."

But I didn't read the book. I couldn't read it. I wasn't ready yet.

Now years have passed. I'm free of my abuser. But I will never be free of the horrible memories of that experience. The pain and fear will always be with me.

I found myself wondering about other women and what they have had to endure. I finally began reading the book. I am so glad I did. My friend was right. It is an incredible book.

A Woman Like You is a photographical journal. The author's purpose was to portray "the face of domestic violence." But what she shows us is that battered women look just like everyone else. They are our sisters, daughters, mothers, friends, co-workers and the strangers we pass on the street and barely notice.

If you are sighted, I ask that you find this book in a library or bookstore. Study the photos. Read the stories.  Become aware about the truth of domestic violence.

If you are blind, you can still appreciate the book without viewing the pictures. The interviews are strong and moving. You will find that the words alone will touch your heart. I know that this book is available at Bookshare, because my friend put it there.

As I read this book, certain quotes kept jumping out at me. I read what these women had to say and I thought, "I could have written that. I could have said that. That's exactly how I felt."

I collected quotes from the book that I would like to share now.

I hope as you read these words, you will begin to understand that battered women are not a certain type of person or different kind of woman. They are just like you. And it's even possible that you are one of them. Maybe you just haven't told anyone yet. If that is true, I hope you will find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

A WOMAN LIKE YOU: THE FACE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Photographs and Interviews by VERA ANDERSON

Vera: Friends would say to me, "I never knew. You don't look like a battered woman." I agreed. I didn't think of myself as a battered woman. But then, what did a "battered woman" look like? I started studying the faces where I had been volunteering at a domestic violence shelter, looking for the answer to that question. What I saw were the faces of my neighbors, my mother, my sister, my daughter. I saw myself. The truth is, battered women are all around us. We just don't recognize them, because they look like us.

Patty: When it's somebody you make love to every night, who's treated you like a queen, who loves you to death, and you share every part of your being with him, and that person turns around and hits you, it's the most shocking thing. And you know you have to go, logically, but you know that when it's good he makes you feel beautiful, and you love him. So you stay, you just want things to be normal. And then he hurts you again, and it starts tearing you apart bit by bit by bit.

Joanne: He would make these promises, and I really wanted to keep our family together. It kept getting worse, but I just didn't know how to get out... I'm angry at myself that I didn't wake up sooner. Why didn't I leave and stay gone? Why did I keep coming back? I know the answers, but it still doesn't make sense to me.

Yoshi: I needed help but I was so scared to tell anyone. So I went to ask what I should do. I thought it was only me, it only happened in my house. At the shelter they told me it wasn't my fault, and they told me about the cycle of violence.

Sandra: I don't think I ever would have left of my own free will if it had not been that my oldest daughter started getting sick. The pediatrician asked me, "What's going on at home?" I said, "Nothing." And he said, "She's seven years old, Sandra. Why does she have an ulcer?" My daughter had seen a lot of violence.

Bernita: His anger escalated... I found myself having sex with him to keep from getting hit, to keep from getting raped. And the violent times, I prayed. I didn't end it because I thought he would hurt me. Finally I decided that if I was going to die because of this relationship, I would die getting out of it and not staying in it.

Jane:  When he started telling me what to do and what to think, I didn't see it as a control issue, I just thought it was his way of telling me to take care of myself. Toward the end it was like waiting for a pat on the head.  He had me reduced to a child; I was so brain-washed I think it was the repetitiveness of hearing how stupid and useless I was, that I was never good enough. What I thought didn't matter, what I wanted wasn't important, I was never right, I was always wrong.

Connie: He told me, "If you try to go out that window I will kill you and I will kill your child." I stayed because I believed him. My son says he doesn't remember much of it, but I feel it had a big influence on him. For a while he displayed a lot of hostility towards me, sometimes in a passive way and sometimes more aggressively. Even though he knows better.

Beatriz: The ugliest for me was when it carried over into our intimate life, I was just something he owned and could use at will, and kick aside when he was done. I knew it wasn't right, but I was afraid to say anything to anybody because he was so well liked in the community.

Linda: When I finally reached the breaking point where I saw my kids suffering and I was willing to die to get away, how I finally did it is, I made a plan and I kept focused on that plan. I got help from unexpected places, like the parents of my daughter's school friend. But people think you can just leave and it's over, and it doesn't work like that.

Jae: I felt so isolated and confused, and every time he raised a hand to my kid, I became dead inside, much deader than when the abuse was directed at me. Looking back on it, I feel sick. I can't explain how it could have gone on for years.

Barbara: The abuse started almost immediately after we were married. It was like we got married and now he had me and could do what he wanted to me. The first time, I guess I was in shock, I didn't believe it had happened. He never apologized, never mentioned it. I was always thinking it wasn't going to happen anymore. I thought I was the only one, the only one in the world this happened to.  He made me believe it was my fault, that there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't give enough or be enough to make my marriage work.

Peggie: I don't remember exactly what happened; I do remember his motorcycle boot connecting with my face. I woke up in the hospital, with doctors and nurses and lights everywhere. But there wasn't any sound. I didn't hear any sounds again for two and a half years. I had to go to school to learn to sign, and to learn the deaf culture. My entire life changed because of what he had done to me.  I decided to turn what had happened to me into something constructive and began teaching self-defense classes and creating community support groups for deaf abuse victims. Just imagine the isolation a battered woman must feel when she can't communicate with spoken words. I knew I could help.

Esterlina: I went to a women's shelter, and I was awakened, because I got to talk to other women. I realized there are many stories worse than mine, many more years of pain, but the cycle is the same. And even though all the stories are different, they are also all the same.

Jo Ann: He started getting abusive with the kids, and one day I just looked at my children's faces, and I couldn't take it anymore. They had seen so much violence, it breaks my heart.

Patricia: After we were married, I kept making excuses for his anger and thinking it was me. Because if it was me then I had some control over it, I could change it.

Kathi: More than your bones, it's your innocence, your trust, your spirit that gets broken. There isn't any surgery to fix that.

Brenda: It's not right that I took a life and I'm very sorry for that and I wish I could take it back. But it happened because I feared for my life and I believed I had no other choice. That's the state of mind I was in at that time after being so physically and mentally abused by this man.

Excerpts taken from: A Woman Like You: The Face of Domestic Violence

Revised August, 2012